Hmmm. Well at least I know SH was out of the game before it started....

Strange how my friend's sadness about his attempt at going out with someone has gone badly. And he turned to SH, the JK-look alike, to get some support. Sigh. Than again, they're helping each other out. I just wonder about SH. I have one of 3 options. Should I believe again and make a leap of faith? Or should I not believe and try anyhow just to see how it goes? Or not bother at all especially since there is a lack of support of any serious interest by both sides. Option 2 has quite a bit of appeal simply because I get to investigate somewhat what it would have been like to be with JK, even though it isn't. I wonder if my friend realizes the inherent spookiness of SH due to her strong JK-likeness.

I guess I'm also irritated today about pay and today's meeting this morning when I got asked questions I asn't sure what the answers were.

Two things:

In an earlier post, I mentioned how Boa's video Atlantic Princess was reminding me of Australia and Melbourne in particular. Except it turns out the video was shot in Sydney's CBD. Oops. Didn't realize AMP would have that many big office towers in Sydney. At least I got the right country.

The second things was that I was having this chat with someone I met about a decade ago (give or take a week). And we were talking about traditions. Well I know one tradition that really isn't around any more, at least in the same way it used to be. The UofT UC Union's afternoon tradition of serving cookies and tea for UC students (well, even Trin people went as well) is now just a memory. Yeah though it looks like they serve the cookies and tea, all the comfy furniture and tables are gone. Tea is served out of something from a catering event, one of those big plastic containers holding hot water and tea instead of teapots. Plus it looked like they used plastic cups too. On top of it looks like a cafeteria, complete with cash register, cold drinks and food for those in rez on the meal plan. Sigh, it's where I ran into her the most.

³ª´Â ±èÁø¼ö¸¦ »ç¶ûÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

I had to say it. Even though it means nothing now.

This seems to focus the rage....:

Celine Dion - One Heart

You can run and you can begin'
In a place where you don't fit in
Love will find a way ...yeah

When you're down, you can start again
Turn around and you think you're in
Love will find a place yeah

If you got one heart you are followin'
One dream keeps you wondering
Love lights your way through the night
One wish keeps you tryin'
Once your silver lining
Loves lights your way through the night

You can fall a thousand time
You can feel like you've lost your mind
Love will find a way oh yeah yeah
In a minute it can change your life
In a moment it can make you right
Love will find a place yeah

If you got one heart you are followin'
One dream keeps you wondering
Love lights your way through the night
One wish keeps you tryin'
Once your silver linin'
Loves lights your way through the night

Everybody needs something to hold on to
Everybody needs something to hold on to
if you got one heart you are followin'
one dream keeps u wondering
love lights your way through the night
One wish keeps you tryin'
once your silver linin'
Loves lights your way through the night

One wish keeps you tryin'
Once your silver linin'
Loves lights your way through the night

Love will find a way
Love will find a way in your heart

One ring to rule them all, one ring to find them one ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them

One of my friends said the one of the strangest things today. She thought that I liked CS way back when even though I always thought (and still do) are reminded of her as one of the Greek myths of the Sirens. What can say about a really physically beautiful girl that's very high maintenance and whose dream is to marry rich so she can not have to work and spend her day shopping at Holt Renfrew. Or who endeavours to be cool, snobbish and popular - how cold. A personality like that is something I quite despise. I think if I were to reencounter this Siren, although tempting is might be, I would not fall under the spell of this Siren. No short term gain for long term pain for me. No ball and chain for me.

Hmm. Been thinking of JK again. Strangely I hadn't been thinking of her until someone else carelessly mentioned her today. Argghh! I hate having her in my head. I hate the illogic of it all. I hate the fact she has this perpetual hold over me.

It's not logical to like someone you barely know. It's not logical that she would like you for the same reason. It's not logical even when you're pretty sure the two of you are similar in many ways. It's not logical when the two of you are different in some other significant ways - the kind that you likely can't reconcile.

I just want to forget. Even though it's approraching the 10th anniversary of when I first reencountered her. It has been nothing but misery.

I remember hearing rumours that they were making a remake of Shall We Dance. After seeing a bit on the news, I can definitely say I am not going to see it because it looks like utter crap.

Jennifer Lopez? Richard Gere? Susan Sarandon? Are they nuts? And they filmed it in Winnipeg?

I seem to be having Australia and New Zealand on the brain of late. Don't know why considering I was there last year. And I pretty much saw everything I wanted to Australia though never got to do any tramping in New Zealand. I wouldn't have minded do so near Nelson on the South Island.

I guess it's because I've been watching that Boa video called Atlantic Princess which amusingly looks like it was filmed using the Tasman Sea instead of the Atlantic Ocean. Must be near the Great Ocean Road outside Melbourne in the State of Victoria. Since the rooftops in the video are definitely Melbourne. Or perhaps it's the JK snipet I heard today on Murmurs - with no effect, I might add.

So I should go back to NZ - doubtful considering the cost and I could easily do tramping locally. Perhaps southwest England, Scotland and Ireland instead having never been there. More likely anyhow given the cost is a lot less unlesss the Euro and Pound decide to shoot up. Hard to beat cool Britannia. Well if I get through this torture, I am definitely getting BBC World - real news in addition to CBC.

On another matter altogether, it's funny how someone mentioned they would only date someone with a cosmopolitan view which one acquires by travelling to the great cities of the world. I wonder if JK has done so - it wouldn't surprise me if she did somewhat.

Argghh! Blogger just ate my post! Anyhow I'm irritated from yesterday and today isn't helping. I just feel like Data in Descent where he's shouting "Stop! Stop! Stop!" in an increasing tempo. Yes, I got angry.

So I thought listening to JK might help. Unfortunately listening to her once a month for the last 8 means that its effect has worn off on me. Even on the recent rebroadcast, I kind of zoned her out. I just wish she was around to prod me except that's never going to happen in a million years.

So here I am blogging. So now I wonder about what the others were saying recently. Even though TW has become unhitched, I still wonder. Much like why I thought JK was special is now working against me: I seriously doubt I'll find anyone really compatible, willing to accept my more geeky side.

These cases are just frustrating me. Damn RCs! Plus the one I got back was mixed. Argghhh! I'm just so irritated.

Good results again on the 18th. The last few days were slightly interesting though. Been feeling all this pressure that I should be doing the "hunt" like everyone else.

First there was SK. After unexpectedly running into SK on the street, we thought it would be a great idea to catch up and so we had lunch last week. And I got asked yet again by her why I'm not "hunting". Second was hearing about JH last month tying the knot sometime this past spring. And what a surprise too, it seemed to be for love and not for money. Third was going to AT's short notice wedding. Fourth was hearing about how TW and DC, 2 guys who looked condemned to singledom for the near future, had suddenly acquired gfs. That was hitting close to home. Fifth was finding all these weddings or related parties to go to this month. And to top all that off, sixth was finding KL had also gotten one as well. Forgot February having Valentine's Day, this last month was more like it. The number of single ones has dramatically shrunk.

All of this reminds of me of the eternal cloak of darkness of JK is not far away at all. But first I must accomplish my mission no matter what the cost. Sacrifices, big sacrifices were what I expected, and that's what happened - having one's hands bound and unable to do anything about JK or the rest but watch as they go on their separate pathes as I blaze mine away from theirs. The consequences of failure in the mission are too horrible to comtemplate.

Every so often especially when I study on my own, my thoughts turn to JK. It's funny how even though I don't know her, I do know quite a number of facts about her which can lead to reasonable suppositions about her. Which contrast with what I initially thought about her.

For one, she went through UT in Economics and History. Which is the path people take if they can't get into commerce - ie they were weeded out. Which means often later that the work they get is somewhat crap. Which is what she seems to have received going to Nortel. So she goes into journalism which in general has even a better chance of crap pay although she'll probably enjoy it. Or perhaps she justs wants to be a celebrity - woohoo, not! In either case, she didn't make the most of her intelligence and opportunities going throught UTS.

Than there is her lack of Korean and her smugness about it. Which is the opposite of what I originally thought. I even have better skill than her which is saying a lot.

Finally she just went totally artsy after UT - what's with her sense of style in clothing. But than she is whitewashed.

In all, it takes a lot of the attraction out of her. And one just has to pity her for it.

I know at the same time, she did seem to have a hard life in some ways but still, it's not much of an excuse of squandering one's opportunities in life.

Friday was interesting. On one hand, I had the good results just before 10am for which I got a good dinner out of. On the other hand, I ended up spending quite sometime looking at JK's picture. All I could think to myself was "What was I thinking!"

New Order

True Faith

I feel so extraordinary
Something's got a hold on me
I get this feeling I'm in motion
A sudden sense of liberty
I don't care 'cause I'm not there
And I don't care if I'm here tomorrow
Again and again I've taken too much
Of the things that cost you too much
I used to think that the day would never come
I'd see delight in the shade of the morning sun
My morning sun is the drug that brings me near
To the childhood I lost, replaced by fear
I used to think that the day would never come
That my life would depend on the morning sun...
When I was a very small boy,
Very small boys talked to me
Now that we've grown up together
They're afraid of what they see
That's the price that we all pay
Our valued destiny comes to nothing
I can't tell you where we're going
I guess there was just no way of knowing
I used to think that the day would never come
I'd see delight in the shade of the morning sun
My morning sun is the drug that brings me near
To the childhood I lost, replaced by fear
I used to think that the day would never come
That my life would depend on the morning sun...
I feel so extraordinary
Something's got a hold on me
I get this feeling I'm in motion
A sudden sense of liberty
The chances are we've gone too far
You took my time and you took my money
Now I fear you've left me standing
In a world that's so demanding
I used to think that the day would never come
I'd see delight in the shade of the morning sun
My morning sun is the drug that brings me near
To the childhood I lost, replaced by fear
I used to think that the day would never come
That my life would depend on the morning sun...

Questions....

1) What do I want to do with my life?

Not sure. Consulting or investment banking would be nice but both are in the dumpster at the moment. And what the firm offers internally blows chunks as well. And the stuff I do now is unappreciated with crappy pay and crappy hours.

2) Have you grown darker over the years?

Oh yes, definitely! JK and UT definitely made me dark. Virtually feel like Annakin Skywalker becoming Darth Vader in joing the Dark Side.

3) Do I want to be married?

At the moment, probably not. Why would I want a ball and chain instead soaring freely like a bird? I get to travel, not have to worry about kids or having someone to report to (or blow all the cash away on shopping for clothes) and otherwise have a cool lifestyle. Why do something just because everyone else is going it - if everyone jumps off a bridge, do I do it too? Of course not. I rather be independent and think for myself. Now if I could only pay off the student loans off.

4) Anyone I think about recently?

Sure I thought about HP but decided it was a bad idea. Why bother when you know the other person will be just out to change you and can't accept you for who you are.

Hmm, I'm just thinking about girls that I have liked. There was:

Mary P.
EK
SC
AF
SN
KS
RC
MS
WS
HP

And then there ones that drove me nuts...

JK
CN
JH

Gees. That list was longer than I thought. Didn't realize it would exceed 10.

What do I know about JK:

1973 - Parents, father Byung Mo Kim (birthday in 1st half of January), and mother are engaged in South Korea
1974 - JK is born (middle name starting with S)
1977/1978 - Younger and only brother Eugene born
1978-1989 - Attended Hanmum Hangul School in downtown Toronto. This is where I met her and was stuck with as my partner in Grade 8 for language practice - the teacher's idea. She was the best in the class in Korean. She's only one of four people I know from that time. She was famous for her white and black leather UTS jacket. Her closest friend from that era: Helen L. from SJMP and Ontario Science Centre though she also knew Anne S.
1989-1992 - Entered UTS, University of Toronto Schools. Like many of that school, she did not make the most out of her life. Her closest friend from that era: Marie H. from Wellesley, CMU and Trilogy
1992-1997 - Entered University of Toronto, University College at the St George Campus in History and Economics. Considering how many people end up studying those, she likely tried for commerce but didn't make it due to the high entry requirements. Strong impression her university years were not pleasant years academically - hence the 5 year Honours BA degree. Met her at the end of 1st year in Robart Library cafe. During 2nd year, ran into her often at UC Union and CQUEST labs in Earth Sci and Ramsey Wright. Her two closest friends from that era: Tanya and Vivian from Nortel though Helen also went to UT.
1997-2001? - Worked at Nortel Networks for a while while it was booming and perhaps laidoff when the firm did massive layoffs due to the dot.com collapse.
2001-2003 - Entered Ryerson University's accelerated 2 year journalism program, most likely radio arts program
Summer 2002 - Interns at CBC Radio One, Outfront

Other facts & impressions
- likely place of birth - Toronto, Canada
- address - CLASSIFIED but has not changed for years in spite of an attempt to sell it. Still lives at home (hasn't moved since at least 1989).
- phone number - CLASSIFIED
- original religion: Roman Catholic
- ethnicity - Korean
- sex - female
- height - 5'8'? ie she's tall
- hair - short black
- glasses - thick plastic square black framed ones, all her past frames are square
- personality - known to be weird, cold but nerdy. Quite whitewashed with her Korean-ness limited to some phrases and eating Korean food. Typical UTS character
- partner - claimed to be male, quite possibly to be female instead. Likely to be white. Likely to have "done the deed". Could be the salsa partner. Previous number unknown
- manner of dress - At UT, very MECish. At Rye High, very alternative and dressy
- hobbies - quite possibly, salsa dancing. Definitely back in her university days, it included Sailor Moon and Power Rangers. Big fan of Harrison Ford and definitely knows her Audrey Hepburn. Big fan of Jane Eyre and Charlotte Bronte's works and has read Douglas Coupland's works - inspiration for the web site. Knows how to play Korean games. Musically, she loves R.E.M.
- command of English language - pretty strong. Phrases, words and intonation are almost identical to mine - sheer coicidence.
- command of Korean language - poor as it dropped a lot since her elementary days. Felt it was a duty to learn. Now can't pronounce "please wait" or numbers properly.
- mother - published a poem once in Korean magazine. Hobbies include orchids, Korean poems, Korean drums and Judge Judy. Typical Korean stay-at-home mom.
- father - like The Late Show with David Letterman
- brother - went to University of Waterloo in engineering and went to RIM afterwards. Employment status unknown given large number of layoffs at RIM.
- car - possibly white 2 door Chevy Cavalier
- favourite carbonated soda beverage - Schweppes
- Communication - Last one was by email on March 11, 2002 between 4 and 5pm. Sympatico HSE user. Previous communciations have been irregular by email and in person but of a limited number. Tried to speak to her at graduation in 1997 but failed to get a chance
- Sighting - Last one was at Rye High on April 1, 2002. Typical sightings is every one to two years. Next sighting, wanted or not, possibly in April 2003 or April 2004.
- voice - sounds too similar to mine

Current status - avoid at all costs

The last couple of weeks have been interesting regarding JK. First I had the most amazing dream one night which was just of the blue. It was a dream but I so wish it was true though a bit strange. I was with my brother which is strange in itself, I was chasing after her and every so often she would stop and I would get to ask what I have wanted to ask for so long that it has been a part of me: what did I do wrong, why couldn't you give me a chance, what's wrong with me. and than i would get some answer which i don't remember but i seem to have been happy with the answer. yet, i still chase after her asking the same question with my brother tagging along. a dream that i remember is unusual. a dream about her is even more unusual. but to ask the questions that i have always wanted to ask that they weighed so heavily on my soul and to finally get an answer from the one source that could quench them was one of the best feelings.

Than I found that she broadcast on the radio this bit and I found myself somewhat startled and bewildered, much like I always am when I see her. I have to say it was interesting to hear her speak - god, it sounds like my voice which is so scary. Even the way she talked seemed scary - a bit too similar with the words I use, even though our lives have had separate paths. And than I got to learn about her a bit. In some ways, I'm glad nothing happened since she seems somewhat different. Yet her command of the English language is impressive and the way she uses such words like "hoot" just remind me why I thought she was special. Or how it was funny to confirm that I indeed remember her and her Korean name from over 15 years ago and that my Korean as bad it is, is still better than hers which was the total opposite back than. Though she definitely beat me at keeping Korean textbooks - I junked those soon afterwards. But it was so tortorious to listen to it, not because of the mispronunciations in Korean, but because of she had and still does mean so much to me. I just wish I knew what to do for once. About the only thing I'm happy about is that after hearing about her life and her mother, I'm kind of a bit prouder of mine and my mother. I think I made more out of my life than hers plus my mother would never watch Judge Judy or that ilk.